A guide to a woman’s heart
It is the month of love, and also the theme for this month’s “Clutter Box Ramblings”. This post is specifically aimed at men, so if you’re a guy and you need a little help with the ladies, here is a guide to a woman’s heart. Or at least, I tried my best.
This post idea came from something someone posted on Facebook a while ago – this woman is freaking awesome and funny. I would say follow her on Twitter (@Rianielama21), but the last post dates from 2015. (Disclaimer, everything in bold was her words.)
- Never ever go through her handbag. You may be traumatised by what you find there. If you find tampons or receipts from ten years ago from her black hole handbag, it’s not our fault. Also, we don’t like it when you go through our stuff (the same way you don’t like it when we get nosy). Let’s keep a bit of mystery, shall we?
- You should always tell her that she looks beautiful, even if she looks like something out of a low budget horror movie. Maybe she’s just going through a tough time and your support (and chocolates) will mean the world to her.
- Always open the door for her. Think about it, if you open the door for her, you look like a true gentleman and you also get the perfect view of her rear end. If you open the car door for her, you can make sure that she doesn’t slam the door shut. There are only benefits to this.
- You will not try to stick your tongue down her throat on the first date. Seriously, keep it classy.
- Regarding the first date, avoid any cheap, family restaurant and you’ll pay. Okay, let’s address the first issue. I know everyone doesn’t have the money to take their lady to a fancy place, but a nice coffee shop will do. The reason why a cheap family restaurant is a bad idea, because you can’t really stare into the woman’s eyes and be taken seriously when there are small, screaming children running around. Secondly, if the woman offers to pay on the first date, it’s a trap. She’ll tell all her friends that you let her pay. Obviously, when things get more serious then she has to pay for stuff too – here’s a great video on the topic.
- If you really want to win her over, wash her car. Oh yes, guys, you cannot go wrong here. There’s always that little triangle on the roof of the car that stays dirty because we can’t reach there. Also, I hate washing my car. If you put on a white shirt and give her a bit of a show – well, now, she might really like that.
- You don’t tell her she’s fat. Just don’t, because it will not end well. Even if she asks you if she looks fat, and she does look fat, then lie.
- Write her letters. Bitches like that. Brownie points for days.
- Only we are allowed to refer to ourselves as bitches. You don’t have that luxury. You will refer to us as ‘Love’, ‘dear’, or whatever sounds cute. This is true, just don’t call me babe, it’s the name of a little pig.
Plus, you know how women often ask if their jeans make them look fat? There is actually a right answer to that, but you will have to comment, tweet, or e-mail me to find out what it is.
We as women are not that complicated. Here you have the easy way to our hearts.
Meh.
Michelle
P.S. If you’d like to contact me, feel free to comment below, send an email to thatmichelleperson@gmail.com, or follow me on Twitter @M_ClutterBox.
Louvaine Williams
Oh, do let us know the socially correct answer! I am a girl and I get really annoyed when other girls ask me if they look fat in something. My inner-me is like, “Probably. But, I know a great fitness instructor. Join the classes with me, so you can stop feeling so insecure about yourself and making other people uncomfortable.”. Help a girl out here! 😀
That Michelle Person
It’s a bit tricky if you’re a straight woman and another woman asks you that – I usually try to change the subject. However, if it’s your partner, the best thing to do is to just slap their bum and say “it’s just right”.