Depression is like carrying a boulder

These past few weeks I’ve noticed a change in me. I wouldn’t say that I’m sad, but I’m disengaged. I know what it is: my old foe, depression.

The symptoms

It crept up on me. Looking back, I notice the colours fading, in a metaphorical sense.

I don’t enjoy the things that I normally enjoy, and I don’t feel like doing anything even though there is so much that I want to do. For instance, I want to work on this blog, my stories, my dad’s stories, and learn to code. I just can’t seem to get myself to do stuff.

It’s not just being lazy; I know what lazy feels like. Depression is just like carrying a boulder around—you just can’t do the things you want to do.

I just want to sleep the whole day, or I spend hours watching YouTube videos.


The one thing I can get myself to do every day is to work out. My husband and I go for a walk at about 5 o’clock and when we get home, I exercise. It puts me in a better mood, and I’m also trying to fit into my pre-COVID clothes again, so it also helps with that.

After the workout, I have a bit more motivation to do stuff, but it only lasts an hour or so. Usually, I end up on the couch watching a series with bae.

At the end of the day, I feel guilty for not getting to all the things on my to-do list and I’m getting more and more behind, and that guilt is paralysing.

The reason

I got so much better for a while, and then I hit a few stumbling blocks, and here I am again.

It has to do with the fact that I’m struggling to get a job, and that is just terrible. I feel useless, and then I feel too depressed to do the house chores, and then I feel even more useless. I can’t work and I can’t be a housewife. What am I good for?

I’m trying to be better, but it’s hard.


Can you relate to this post? Let me know in the comments.



P.S. If you’d like to contact me, feel free to comment below, send an email to, or follow me on Twitter @M_ClutterBox.