Every soapie ever

I hate soapies. I hate that they are unrealistic and cheesy. Most of all, I hate that I actually watched one for a long time. They are all so similar – hence, the title of the post. Let’s review every soapie ever.


Every soapie is strangely addictive


I used to watch the South African soapie Scandal. I don’t remember when or why I started watching it. The thing about soapies is, it only takes one, maybe two episodes and you’re hooked. It may happen when you’re sick at home and there is nothing worth watching on TV, so you settle for a soapie. Then BOOM, you’re invested in the story.


Every soapie has someone who comes back from the dead


Either they faked their own death or they made some kind of miraculous recovery from a seemingly fatal injury.


Every soapie has a character with an evil twin


Usually, it’s a loved character that has an identical twin who hates them. I especially hate this, because you can clearly see it’s the same actor that is playing both characters.


Every soapie has a character that accidentally sleeps with a family member


Either they were drunk, or they didn’t know they were related (someone was adapted). It’s just so wrong on so many levels. Sometimes they do rectify this by making ‘the truth’ come out that they weren’t really related because of infidelity or secret adoption, but I still think it’s nasty.


Every soapie ever

Every soapie has an illegitimate child that pops out somewhere


The young girl who falls pregnant will either be the soapie slut or the innocent schoolgirl.


In the first case, the soapie slut will finally see the error of her slutty ways and become a responsible adult once she has her baby. In the latter case, the innocent schoolgirl will want to fit into the cool crowd and hence start hanging out with dodgy people. She will probably get really wasted and/or high and sleep with and equally wasted and/or high guy, and fall pregnant. When she finds out that she is pregnant she will also see the error of her ways and become responsible once more.


Every soapy has a character that gets shot


Someone gets shot, yet miraculously they don’t die. JR Ewing much?


In every soapy everyone has slept with everyone yet they all remain friends


This happens in every single soapie! It is just so wrong! Also, they never show how one person gives all of the others an STD and I feel that it’s wildly unrealistic.


Every soapie has characters that look into oblivion and starts talking to themselves


This usually happens when a character is plotting revenge.


In every soapie someone says “It’s not you, it’s me” 


Break-ups are hard, but they’re much worse when you get a lame reason for it, such as the above mentioned.


Jimmy Carr had something to say about this “It’s not you, it’s me”-thing. He said that it’s actually just a short part of a longer sentence, which is “It’s not you, it’s me who is ending this relationship because I can’t stand the f@#king sight of you.”


This list is getting a bit long, so I’ll just end it here. However, there is one more thing I’d like to address, which is dubbed soapies.


A few years ago, the SABC and a few e-TV channels started broadcasting dubbed soapies, especially Spanish ones. Soapies are bad, in general,  but dubbed soapies are the worst. If I’m honest, anything that is dubbed annoys me. Dubbed shows always make me think of the movie Kung Pow (weee ooo weee ooo weee, pggggh!).


Oh, I … oh. I think I’d better go.” ~ Eddie Izzard




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