Probably something along the lines of “Yoh, shit’s about to get fucked up.” Geez, and I had such high hopes for this year. So, if I could go back to 31 December 2019, and have the opportunity to mentally prepare myself for the fuckery that is 2020, here are a few things I would say. Hence, here is the list of things I would tell 2019 me. (I apologise in advance for all the cussing.)
You will learn new words and phrases
- You’re going to learn the meaning of phrases like “social distancing”, “asymptomatic”, and “murder hornets”.
- You’ll learn what happens when people “zol” (South Africans know).
Your introvert powers will be tested
- As much as you like being at home, you’re going to start missing those few places you liked going to.
- Staying at home is not that much fun if you’re being forced to do it.
- You’ll have to start thinking of other reasons why you’re not getting around to those things on your list you said you’d do if you had the time.
Your plans are null and void
- Remember all those cool movies you were excited about? Black Widow, Tenet, Wonder Woman, No Time to Die, The King’s Man, and others? Well, forget about them.
- Stop being excited for the Olympics (karate would have been there for the first time). I don’t care much for sports, but I cared about that one.
- Forget your travel plans – bitch, you are not going anywhere.
This year will not be good for your anxiety
- You’re going to be even more paranoid about a slight cough and sore throat.
- Apparently, you need to teach people (mostly grown ups) how to wash their hands. That is a different level of gross.
- Facebook is still stealing and selling your data.
You’re going to hate people even more
- Most people don’t know how face masks work. It is, in fact, supposed to cover your nose.
- During a time of panic, no one can stand together for the greater good.
- Americans will rebel against almost anything, even if it can save their life.
- The police might be even worse than criminals.
- Trump will not be impeached, no matter how stupid or incompetent he is.
- However, there can be a worse presidential candidate in America (Imagine Kim K as the first lady).
- The UK, who for most of history infiltrated countries against their wishes, spent years trying and succeeded to leave the EU (no jokes here – I just think it’s stupid. Brexit was the equivalent of electing Trump in the US, except Boris has more hair).
- People don’t deal with panic and pandemonium; they bake banana bread and binge-watch Netflix instead.
- The South African government’s reasoning defies all logic. You’re not allowed to drink, smoke, visit friends, but thousands of people can go to shops and malls.
- No matter what your feelings are towards it, wrestling is an essential service in America. Murica!
- People are much stupider than you thought. People will create conspiracy theories that 5G internet spreads disease. The only disease it spreads is mindless browsing on social media.
- You’ll discover how much Australians love animals. Many people put wild animals in their cars to save them.
- You might want to leave those plans to buy stock for the while being. Buy low and sell high is going to be a bit tricky when chaos is in charge.
- It’s going to be a great year for climate change.
- Good news: the price of petrol will drop. Bad news: bitch, you’re not going anywhere.
- Remember “Weekend at Bernie’s”? See how North Korea takes that up a notch.
- The US government released videos of aliens, and nobody cared. People were too busy not wearing their masks correctly and baking bread.
There you are 2019 me – shit is indeed about to get fucked up.
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